Like many of you, I have been through hard times in life; but the one that forced stillness on my life was when I went through breast cancer.
There were many occasions during that journey when I was filled with stillness and antsy-ness all at the same time. My body was forced into stillness because of the fatigue and sickness felt from the chemotherapy.
My mind and heart, on the other hand, were anything but still.
My mind was filled with more questions than answers. My heart was filled with anxiety, fear, and despair.
I wanted to be any place other than the present situation I was in.
You see, going through cancer treatment is a journey of walking into a building I NEVER thought I would walk into. Every time I walked through those doors, I would watch the medicine go through my veins knowing it was supposed to kill the cancer, and I would leave feeling like it was also killing me.
It was a journey of looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person looking back at me. It was a sick person. A cancer patient.
Be still and know that I am God.
Psalm 46:10 (NIV)
As I read this verse, I wondered what He really meant by that for me, because the "know that I am God" part totally changes the "be still" part for me.
I think when I was walking my cancer journey, He was not telling me to slow down physically. The cancer had already taken care of that. I think He was telling me to let go. To let go of trying to do things that I couldn’t do. To let go of trying to answer all the questions that I didn’t have answers to. To let go of the fear and anxiety brought about by the diagnosis that was handed to me.
I think He was telling me it was ok to be still because I'm not Him.
He's God and I'm not; and so my job, while I hated the stillness, was to simply let go.
To be still and let God be God.
I have taken the learning from that journey and have tried to apply it to my life each and every day since. Just like there was so much unknown in my cancer journey, the rest of my life is unknown, other than what has happened in the past or what is happening right now in the present.
The unknown can be our biggest enemy sometimes, the thing we put most of our focus on and what we spend most of our energy trying to control. The thing that takes away the stillness God wants from us.
I have to choose. I can live in fear and dread of the unknown, or I can choose to live in stillness and hope, trusting God with the happiness He has planned ahead.
I have decided to take the learning from my cancer journey and be still and live right in the here and KNOWN. Because if this is my life - if this is where I am at - then this is where God is at, too.
When I try to figure out and control the unknown of the future rather than fulfilling what He may be needing from me right now, I’m wasting all of my time and energy on worry and fear. Choosing to be still in His presence is where I will find the hope, peace, and joy He has planned for me.
It all boils down to this: We can be still in His presence because none of it is unknown to Him.
With love and joy,